farewell 2010

So another year comes to a close.
I'm working today, which is quite a disruption to my normal reflection routine... but I couldn't dare let the year escape without some type of summary.

It's been a BIG year. The beginning of the year brought a strong dose of hardship, first with my boyfriend getting fired from the same company that I work for (for an event in which I had been present), followed by the death of my beloved grandmother (she was really all had for family).

Fortunately, that's not where the story ends. I completed my first full marathon this year. My greeting card company is off to a hopeful start. I've sold them at several locations, and I'm getting ready to launch a website and host an etsy shop - look for that spring of 2011! The biggest surprise of all is my upcoming trip to the Philippines! I've spent my whole life dreaming of travel, and the day is here! I leave January 23 for a month of traveling! More to come!!

Happy New Year to all!

potato.

I was reading the awesome book that I picked up while I was at Edward McKay called "All is Forgiven, Move On" by Janice Taylor. It's a self-help book about how to change your relationship with food, and since I'm too cheap and too picky to go to a therapist, this is a perfect book for me! It's quirky and witty - lord only knows I don't have the patience for anything cheeseball or sappy, no Dr. Phil here!

One of the exercises addresses the emotional baggage we carry around by converting the invisible emotions into a literal object, a bag of potatoes. In my case, it's anger. There are a lot of people in my past that have hurt me, and left me and anger was what kept me safe. But there comes a point where that anger is no longer necessary, and it gets misdirected. I grabbed a stack of index cards and for everyone that I harbor some negative feelings for, or would dodge if I saw them at a grocery store, I wrote their name on a card. Next thing I knew that stack of cards was sitting about an inch of the table. Not good. That's a lot of ghosts to be running from-
No wonder I'm tired! Emotionally and spiritually that's a lot of weight, and from my experience backpacking, carrying around weight is demanding (duh!) It means that you burn more calories, so you need to eat more food, which means you need to take more breaks, and use up a greater number of resources. So by carrying this invisible emotional weight, it is more difficult for me to find emotional peace or balance. I am constantly stopping to adjust. I am needy. I need a lot of emotional support, which drains others. And if I was carrying on saving the world, they'd recognize the stress that I was under, and be more apt to contribute resources, but, the burden that I'm carrying has expired! It's outdated. It's from the past, it's run it's course. My family and friends have asked me to put this load down. They've stood by and helped me unload. Yet, I keep going back and picking it up anyway. Stupid! So of course they don't want to help me! Of course I'm always running on low fuel!

I think it's time to mash some potatoes and get this show on the road.

goals.

I started the year with a lot of ambition.
Now that I am down to 3 months, it's time to get real.

Here are the things I've done:

3. Learn more about the practice of yoga.
yay hot yoga!
4. Post my artwork on Etsy.
How about at Epona and Oak? Does that count? I think it does!

Here are the things I didn't do:

1. Reduce the waste that is produced in my home.
5. Begin training for a tri.
So... I had this brilliant idea to run a marathon instead... what?! And by the looks of things... I've fallen short. Boo!
6. Become a regular at a used book store.
I went to Edward McKay for the first time ever! what?! How is it that I was an english major and I never went to this bookstore until now?!
Still working on that whole "regular" bit.
7. Take an art class.
Does going to ahpeele and watching them screenprint count? No? ok.
8. Read at least 3 classics.
What's a classic again and why did I think I wanted to read one?
10. Spend one day a week exploring, playing, creating, doing. hmm I think I should start by "spend more time picking out realistic goals"

Here are the things that I still hope to accomplish:

2. Work on muscle toning and development.
9. Bake bundt cakes and deliver them to friends. I really should find this recipe... it's not too late!

10 Shared Goals


Done:

2. Paint the living room, bathroom and office.
Living room- check! Office- half a check... and we're ripping out the bathroom floor this week.
5. Plant a garden in my backyard. There was a garden. It yielded some spinach, some cucumbers and a lot of peppers. I didn't really help much to be honest though.
10. Go to San Diego. I think we're going in February... just after we go to the Philippines! I can't believe it!!! I got my passport and I'm saving my pennies!

Didn't do:

1. Visit all of the state parks in NC.
When Scott got laid off, we decided to put this one off.


Still some hope:
3. Start a dinner club. Maybe it's not too late to start this one...
4. Go on more picnics. The weather is perfect! No excuses!
6. Participate in a collaborative art project.
I started one, and it flopped. But I'm brainstorming a larger scale operation!
7. Throw a dance party. Let's just say we have some ideas...
8. Volunteer with at least 3 organizations.
One down, two to go.
9. Visit local vineyards and wine tastings. This needs to happen soon!

something september

i don't really know what happened.
it came in like a black hole
and swallowed all my desire.
i quit running,
i stopped sleeping,
i turned into an unhappy sort of sloth.

but now it is october and i am giving myself the power to just forget about september.

upcoming adventure: Expedition Blue Planet

Alexandra Cousteau is coming to Raleigh as part of Expedition Blue Planet and I have the privilege of attending a Benefit fundraiser to learn more about the critical water issues across the U.S.
At first this news was a bit overwhelming and intimidating. What do I know about water? The Neuse River? Alexandra Cousteau? The legendary Jacques Costeau? Blue Legacy?
But what an amazing opportunity to learn! To discover! To find out and explore!

I began doing some googling today - and came across some interesting tidbits about Jacques Cousteau. He's been referenced in over a dozen different (fairly well-known) songs, he's been quoted in several movies, he has quite a collection of books and documentaries. A quote that really struck me: "When one man for whatever reason, has an opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself." In reading these words, the vast unknown transformed into something tangible and personal. I am inspired and curious. I have no idea where this search is going to lead me, but I'm already liking the looks of it. More to come...

tuesdays thoughts: more of this, less of that

Living less in want, and more in action is a wonderful way to be. My focus is finally shifting from all the stuff I want, the iphone, drinks out at the bar, etc. and towards what I can do more of, running, writing, drawing, etc. These lusts became my first priority. I dreamt about how much better life would be if only I had an iphone- it's apps would make doing everything so much easier! Yoga at the touch of a button! An easy way to count calories! A digital library at my finger tips any time of the day or night- think how literate I'd become! Instant blogability every time I had a witty thought, wouldn't the world just love me then! Oh, the possibilities were endless! Oh, but only if I had that phone! And without it- everything was just less. No happiness for me! Just another month that had come and gone with little to no "expendable income."

Time to stop obsessing over want I can't have and grab a hold of what I do have.

this is their story. part 1.

She was 17 when she decided to run away from home. She earned the right. Her parents were "catholics" ie. they didn't believe in birth control. But they sure did believe in abuse, neglect, and abandonment. There were 7 of them. One boy. Six girls. The boy, one of the eldest, had tourettes and a addiction to drugs. Of the youngest girls, one was mentally challenged. Their aunt and uncle, the only saving grace, took pity on them, as they had no children of their own. Falling towards the bottom of the totem pole, her piggy bank robbed by her older brother, her time robbed by her disabled sister, and her heart broken when all the older siblings flew the coop.

He was 20. Been with the same girl since middle school. A dream come true. Except she was jewish. And he was the farthest thing from it. A red headed Ramirez. That carried a connotation that we know nothing of now. Mexican, Indian, Scottish, Irish = Catholic. But, if he was willing to convert, the world lay at his feet. Her parents owned a restaurant in the city, across from a hospital, and they had acquired a solid bit of wealth. In fact, they had already purchased high ticket items a dishwasher, refrigerator, washer and dryer, for the young couple and kept them stashed in their basement waiting for their wedding day. Paired with a promise to provide the means for college, and a prosperous career as a lawyer. This was his dream. Until he decided that he did not want to live indebted to someone else.

questioning.

sometimes the questions are infinite. sometimes that's ok.

run for your life.

whew! Does it ever get easier?! I feel like more often than not, the first ten minutes of every run is like going to the dentist- you know you need to- but good lord it's still awful. I completed, somewhat reluctantly, an hour run this afternoon... it was the guilt that pushed me... all the cocktails, the milkshake and french fries... too many calories that need to be exhausted. But about 40 minutes in, while climbing a rather long and steady hill, I managed to lock my eyes straight ahead, the voices in my head shut off, and my body took over. I've been running for my whole life, haphazardly for the last ten years, my body knows how to run. My legs know how to pump up a hill, they know when to shuffle with small steps, they know when to take long strides and dodge holes. They know how to communicate with my lungs, which are working hard, pulling in oxygen, pumping it through my body. They know how to communicate with arms, to pull myself forward. My body knows how to run, I just need to learn how to let it. Then I think running for an hour will become easier.

going the extra mile

I wanted to turn around and go home. It was 88 degrees at 8 o'clock tonight, with such stifling humidity that I felt like a gnat drowning in a vat of honey. I'd had a lethargic day, and knew that I needed to get in a good long run, but I could barely lift my legs and my back was tied up in knots from the cross-training I had done over the weekend.

Upon leaving the house I found myself heading right towards my 30 minute route, and had to quickly redirect myself, towards the farmer's market it was. If I am going to run a marathon I can't keep being a wuss. I reached my half way point. "I want to go home" were the only words echoing in my mind. Just as I reached the corner I heard another voice say "ok" but it wasn't an "ok, I give you permission to turn around" it was an "ok, I hear you and I acknowledge that going home would be nice... but I also want to keep running." And with that I crossed the street.

Just as I crossed the street a cool breeze blew, the first, and only, of the night. A few yards past that two of the most adorable raccoons imaginable, their bodies no larger than my running shoe, came out across the fence and into the tree. Then there were two bunnies, and a doe. I guess dusk = dinner time. Had I turned around sooner, I wouldn't have been in those places at that time and I would have missed it.

I often dismiss Raleigh for it's lack of grandeur. We're not D.C or NYC. We're not Seattle or Portland. But to live in a city where I can bike to a coffee shop or walk to a bar, and then just a block the other direction experience wildlife and woods is a pretty remarkable balance, one that is worth going the extra mile for.

tuesdays thoughts

after a weekend at the beach i feel both refreshed, and a bit of course.

life has a way of moving, with or without you, it seems.

deadlines. bills. chores. laundry. birthdays. work. holidays.

it's hard to maintain control.

what a fun weekend

It takes a long time to become young.
-Pablo Picasso

My birthday began with brunch in Sylva and an afternoon of shopping... mmm how I love the outfitters and bookshops of the mountains! Followed a somewhat soggy hike along the AT. We were greeted at home with a runaway pup - the cutest runaway pup one could ever ask for and if my house (and wallet) were only large enough for paws that big! Dinner at Guadalupe couldn't have been more delicious, with a fresh homemade blackberry pie using the berries we picked at Farm 42. The next day our lovely hosts guided us rafting down the Nanthala. It's always good to get out of town.

a reason to rejoice

 

Today I turn 24.

I feel like I am now entering uncharted territory.
It's not like 16, 21 or 30.
I don't have the same expectations I did for 23.


This is my life, here and today
and all I've gotta do is live it.

fishy friday fun

As I walk in the door I'm greeted by an out of town guest who eagerly proclaims, we've been drinking all day! uh oh! after being at work all day that's not the sort of greeting one usually anticipates. However, he quickly made up for it by sharing some of the delicious mead and wine that they had picked up. After my first sip I understood, it was simply too delicious to put down.
After annihilating some red pepper hummus... notice carrots, not pita chips! 1 point for me! We lit the grill for some steaks, tilapia and salmon. As the tilapia and salmon came in from the grill the four of us converged on the fish, devouring it before the plate could make it to the table. And how could you kick off a summer birthday weekend without some fireworks. I got to shoot my first bottle rocket :)
Let the birthday celebrating begin!

wednesday words

This is a new day, one that I have lived before. I stay in the now and enjoy each and every moment. The past is over. Louise L. Hay

tuesdays thoughts

As it turns out, having three days off leaves time for a lot of thinking... here are a few ideas that I've been chewing on:

1. just do. sometimes all it takes is knowing your goals.
and maybe having a few strategies will help.

2. there is a constant in life.
that constant is change.
no two days are ever exactly the same.

3. my approach to food and eating has been a journey filled with lies.
it is time to break down those misconceptions.
eating is not just about flavor and feeling full.
and unfortunately, dessert is not mandatory to my well-being.

4. staying up until 4 in the morning reading, is glorious.




oh and mosquitoes suck.

I quit, because I am worth it. I am enough.

I quit.

Often we refrain from using those words. Quitting has been given a negative connotation, either it means you're giving up, or you're trying to give something up (like smoking). But sometimes we need to quit just to quit.

I quit. Not I am going to quit one day... or I am going to do my best to quit...

I can't fix what's broken by continuing to use the same tools.

Everyday is a revolution. A chance to do better. To be more grateful, appreciative, generous, loving, kind. To work harder, to focus better, procrastinate less, live more. Without a to-do list we'd be bored. So I quit trying to do what I've always done. I am going to move forward with using new strategies, new methods and a fresh approach.

just write.

I really do have greater intentions for this blog... as almost every blogger writes. It's just that I've crossed the line. I went from being recreationally crazy to officially nuts. I signed up for a full marathon. Now every move I make is in effort to run better. I eat it, I sleep it, I breath to run. It's amazing how time consuming and expensive this "cheap" hobby has turned out to be. Oh... was it four years ago... I decided "hey I think I'll run so I don't have to buy a gym membership" HA! A gym membership would've probably been cheaper... but perhaps not nearly as exciting as going nuts! So for now I will be running. I had a few ahh moments on yesterdays run, a little baby deer popped out of the woods just in front of me before seeing me, freaking out and running away. I had an inch worm hanging out on my shirt, not really sure how it got there. And well I ran for two hours. Almost a half marathon, which I'd say is a pretty big accomplishment, it's only the 3rd time I've ever gone that distance, yet it still just doesn't hold it's weight against the prospect of running for 5 hours (cringe) and I know that only runners really have any interest in reading about running and even then I find it's a pretty selfish, I mean, personal activity and while you don't mind giving someone props, odds are your goals and skill levels are a million miles (figurative miles that is) apart that I really don't have too many intentions about writing too much more about running. It's just something to do.

dear summer

dear summer,
you are going by far too quickly. i can't believe i missed the equinox and already the days are getting shorter as we head back towards winter (albeit there are still plenty of humid days ahead). my life is on track and my plate is full. i am plenty busy getting my ideas together to begin blogging for goodnight, raleigh as well as revolver. and now i am volunteering for sparkcon bazaar spark. i couldn't be more excited to finally be getting involved with the people i have been silently envying for so long. i have no idea where this road will take me. but it feels good to be on it. i feel that i have also found bikram hot yoga to be the missing piece in this equation of self, the glue that reignites my passion and pushes away my anxiety and insecurity. there aren't enough hours in the day so i am going to do the best i can to use the ones i've got.

sincerely,
jenn

Views from the top

These are some of the photos I took from the Empire State Building during my trip to Manhattan. We got VIP access to the top, a journey that I wouldn't have otherwise taken. Evidently there are 3.5 million people that visit each year. They line you up, pass you through security, take your photo in front of a green screen and then pass you up to the 80th floor. Once you make it to the 80th floor, you wait. The entire floor is dedicated to keeping you inline... one more elevator ride and you arrive at the observation area. It's certainly a bit congested, and quite a bit windier than down on the street level, the views are phenomenal, a bit surreal actually.