January: Balance Amidst Turbulence

My cousin sent me a collection of Power Thought Cards which are freakin' awesome. As soon as I opened the box I was blown away at the power of the words that one tiny little card could hold. And I immediately recognized that adapting these thoughts into my life would yield trans formative results. Which is precisely what I have been craving. So I decided to clip them, one at a time, to my mirror, so that each day it will serve as a reminder. A reminder to meditate. A reminder that change comes one step at a time and this is the step that I am going to take first and until I've learned how to integrate those words into my life, I will not overwhelm myself with other thoughts.

The first one that I picked reads:

"I am not limited by past thinking. I choose my thoughts with care. I constantly have new insights and new ways of looking at the world. I am willing to change and grow."

These are big thoughts for me. Because I am limited by past thinking. I don't choose my thoughts with care. And I have been reluctant in accepting change.

But, I do embrace growth, and I constantly have new insights.

However, one without the other cannot thrive. So, I must change the way that I think about things. And then I will break the cycle.

I thought that I had begun to implement this into my life- I was spending more time working on my art, I was making more of an effort to reach out to loved ones...

So I picked the next card:

"I rejoice in what I have, and I know that fresh new experiences are always
ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful."

This, now this is even bigger. Had I only known what live had in store, I wouldn't have selected this card. I would have let it rest in the box a bit longer because two weeks ago a rather shocking and unexpected turn of events occurred at work that turned my world upside down. Life wasn't wonderful and the only greeting that I wanted to give it was a knuckle sandwich and a kick that sent it flying face first into a pile of mud. Not wonderful. Not wonderful at all.

Since that day, I have woken up every morning feeling anxious, scared, unsure of myself and worried about the future. My energy was being pulled from me like water going down the drain and even though I was trying desperately to stop it, I was only causing myself to feel more exhausted. Where had my integrity gone? I picked these words and believed them to be true- but only when things were going my way. It's one thing to say that you believe something, but I was being called to act on it.

I know that there is hope in this situation, and in the end everyone will be better off because of it. I know that change is good for those of us that are involved, and that we were all dragging our feet. Accepting the decision felt like a blow against my believes. I struggled to accept that there was no way that I could fight back. I had no idea what to do next, how to pick up the pieces, what to do, where to go, how to go about living, and the fact that from the outside my life hadn't really changed at all only made it that much harder. Watching the news, seeing the people in Haiti, their lives had changed, who am I to complain? I should have known, should have expected it, should have been prepared. But sometimes we're not.

My life had changed. It changed very quickly and I didn't like it. And my actions screamed that. But I also didn't like acting that way. I didn't like knowing that when I walked into the room that I was going to have a negative impact on the people that I spoke to. That I was sharing stress, anxiety, fear, frustration and anger. That I had no joy and I did not want to see others acting joyfully.

Reading those simple words again and again forced me to recognize that I could live my life differently. I was the one robbing myself. I wouldn't have chosen for things to work out this way, but they have. All that I can do is decide how I respond to it. I can walk around behaving the way that I always have and get the same results that I have always gotten. Or I can greet the new with open arms. Because greeting the new doesn't mean accepting the decisions made by others that I disagree with, it means reaching out in a new direction, looking for new opportunities, looking toward the future, and allowing myself to move away from these broken events. What happened yesterday is part of the past. What happened wasn't wonderful, but without it the wonderful could not happen. To say that I trust life to be wonderful means that I must believe that life is wonderful, and to believe that life is wonderful means I must act like it.

January's Lesson: Finding balance in a world that is ever changing means learning how to accept change.

Word of the year: Balance

It took me a while to decide. There are so many delicious, terrifying, powerful words out there, how do you pick just one? I spent a lot of time dwelling on "joy" in 2009, but I am by no means an expert on joy now. In fact I feel like it could be the word of the year for the next 3 years in a row and I still wouldn't exhaust its depth. However, as much I want to broaden my understanding of joy, and seek peace, and embrace forgiveness, and live dangerously, what it all comes down to for me, at this stage in my life, is a desire for balance. I want to balance my work with my exploration and my art. I want to balance my social time with my private time. I want to balance the images of perfection and sets of expectations that I hold in my heart and mind with reality. I want to balance my checkbook. I want to balance my wardrobe, and the decorations of my house, and the time I spend watching television vs. the amount of time I spend reading and writing. I want to seek harmony and not be overwhelmed by my to-do lists. I know that balance is not a finishline that you reach once and then you're golden, it's a daily composition of thoughts, believes and actions. And with each turn that life takes, I will be faced with different challenges and put into different currents. But I do believe in peace and I do believe in balance and so I will spend this year seeking those things and bringing them into my life in a more abundant, intentional way.

Some days time just flies right on by,
other days seem as though they will never end.
Some days remind us of how courageous we need to be.
Some days take a little more courage than others.
Some days show us just how courageous we are.
Some days are filled with a bit of sunshine and laughter.
Some days are filled with pleasure, and some filled with pain.
Some days require a little more forgiveness.
Some days require a little more patience.

Here's to holding tight the days filled with hope
and being quick to release those that take our hope.

20 things to do in 2010

10 Personal Goals

1. Reduce the waste that is produced in my home.

2. Work on muscle toning and development.

3. Learn more about the practice of yoga.

4. Post my artwork on Etsy.

5. Begin training for a tri.

6. Become a regular at a used book store.

7. Take an art class.

8. Read at least 3 classics.

9. Bake bundt cakes and deliver them to friends.

10. Spend one day a week exploring, playing, creating, doing.

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10 Shared Goals

1. Visit all of the state parks in NC.

2. Paint the living room, bathroom and office.

3. Start a dinner club.

4. Go on more picnics.

5. Plant a garden in my backyard.

6. Participate in a collaborative art project.

7. Throw a dance party.

8. Volunteer with at least 3 organizations.

9. Visit local vineyards and wine tastings.

10. Go to San Diego.