oy vey

Where does the time go? It's already a month and a half into the new year?!

So, in the last few weeks I picked up a second job as a climbing coach which is AWESOME in all kinds of ways. Here, allow me to list a few:
1. Kids are incredible. I had no idea how much I missed getting to work with them.
2. Kids are FANTASTIC climbers. They are little. They are light. They can hold on to anything. They have incredible endurance and flexibility. They are fearless. They don't like to quit. They don't worry about whether or not their butt looks big in their harness. They're not trying to impress anybody. They're really just pretty freakin' awesome and watching them is inspirational... which leads me to...
3. I'm INSPIRED! After a shameful 6 month hiatus from rock I couldn't be more ecstatic about getting back on. My endurance is junk. My finger strength is terrible. My toes are worthless. But my arms are stronger. My technique is still there. And I'm ready!
4. Triangle Rock Club is way better than I thought. The few times that I had gone before it felt too crowded and was a bit intimidating. Turns out I was wrong. I was just being a wuss. The people there are super friendly, quick to offer a spot or a belay, willing to offer advice on technique, and so encouraging.

I won't bore you with more reasons for now, but as you can tell I'm pretty pumped and I'm glad that I have a few months to hit it hard in the gym before it warms up and the outdoor climbing adventures begin.

Just one of the examples of what makes life wonderful.

calm after the storm.

I don't have to live my life in fear anymore. Even when it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me, I can rise up and face the day because I am stronger now. I am not but a helpless child anymore. I am an independent, strong, capable woman with loving and supportive friends. For that I am grateful.

affirmation.

My goal for February is to work as hard for myself as I do for others and to do that I must first believe in myself.

It's hard to give a damn when you don't think you're worth a damn. Payroll is tight at work. The hours just aren't there, but that doesn't stop the bills from coming. I have these wonderful dreams that I can make enough money with my art to make ends meet. But lately my days have been filled with so much doubt. That doubt takes me by the hand, sits me down on the couch, turns on the tv and asks me to stay awhile. It pulls out the sweats and a bag of chips and says Enjoy!

If I don't believe that I'm worth more than that why should anyone else? Why should anyone hire me? Why should anyone respect me if all I do when I get home from work is behave bitterly? My friends come over and together we talk about doing great things. But we're not doing any of them. We're just sitting on the couch, speculating. Dreaming of what our integrity could do... if we let it.

It's time for balance. To balance relaxation with productivity. To balance dreams with reality. To balance the energy that I invest in others with the energy I invest in myself. It's time to let my integrity have a fair chance. It's time for me to work as hard for myself as I do for others. It's time for joy to balance out the years of anger and frustration- which means letting go and making room.

I need to believe that I can do this. That I am worth doing this for. The power of a compliment goes a long way- and I am tired of waiting for them! It's time to start giving them out, beginning with myself.

Because I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am a hardworker.
I do have integrity.
I am creative.
I am loving, generous and kind.
I am better at living than this.
I am capable of doing big things.

And I think that you are powerful. I think that you are more beautiful than you will ever realize. I think that you deserve more out of life. I think that you are capable of getting it. And I think that you should go out there and get it.

om shanti shanti shanti

I love change... when it's on my terms. Meaning, I love the prospect of new, when the old has worn out its welcome. Some of the larger transitions that come to mind are leases and jobs. After about a year I've had it with my roommates (and they've probably more than had it with me) and somehow signing a new lease fills me with this happy-go-lucky, everything is going to be better with this person because of XY&Z so let's run off into the sunset together.... and same with jobs... the work gets redundant and the pay becomes insufficient, and so of course the next job is going to better!

Enough about that. The point is change scares me. Terrifies me. Freaks me out. Makes me go a little nuts. Hello control freak! I start having lots of panic attacks. I feel sorry for myself which makes me feel bad about myself. Then I become unmotivated... it's just ugly. So this go round, I have decided to recognize the cycle and change it! Change the way that I handle change! Let me just tell you, it's as much fun as it sounds! (Especially when it includes several nights of excessive drinking and foolish drunk dancing! -thank God for patient friends!)

I was reading Yoga Journal when I came upon an article (December 2009 p. 44 - I couldn't find it on their website) about meditation.
The mantra is:

"Om, shanti, shanti, shanti"

Shanti meaning peace. It is repeated three times, once for self, once for
those around you, and again for the world. This is my first time ever using a
mantra, so I can't say whether or not I am doing it the "right" way... but when
the thought comes to me, it brings me peace. (duh)

My favorite time to chant this is in the morning. Why? Because I hate mornings. All that stuff about a fresh start, yea, it freaks me out. The lingering images of the nightmares that haunt my sleep cause me to wake feeling uneasy, immediately followed by that Oh Shit I'm Late For Work! feeling... and I have how many errands, chores, to-do list, things to get done today... and I don't even have kids! How the hell do people with kids do this?! On my days off it's that Face The American Dream feeling... that nagging voice that is constantly screaming YOU BETTER MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF! I can't take it. Mornings make me sick. I even try to trick myself... if I get up without snoozing then I give myself permission to go buy a latte before work (and I might even have time)but then I just feel guilty about wanting to spend 5 bucks on something I don't need.

So being able to hide in bed and chant shanti over and over again has this weird way of fighting off the bad dreams, kicking the AmericanDream in the balls, making errands seem easy and work feel like something to be grateful for. And there's nothing selfish about it because I'm spreading the wealth with all those around me! Which is great! Knowing that I have secretly wished everyone around me a peaceful day... makes them much less intimidating. Because other people's stress... it's intimidating. And I work with a lot of people that carry around a lot of stress and for some reason we all have started to walk around thinking that it's normal and acceptable to live like that. Om shanti shanti shanti!