oy vey

Where does the time go? It's already a month and a half into the new year?!

So, in the last few weeks I picked up a second job as a climbing coach which is AWESOME in all kinds of ways. Here, allow me to list a few:
1. Kids are incredible. I had no idea how much I missed getting to work with them.
2. Kids are FANTASTIC climbers. They are little. They are light. They can hold on to anything. They have incredible endurance and flexibility. They are fearless. They don't like to quit. They don't worry about whether or not their butt looks big in their harness. They're not trying to impress anybody. They're really just pretty freakin' awesome and watching them is inspirational... which leads me to...
3. I'm INSPIRED! After a shameful 6 month hiatus from rock I couldn't be more ecstatic about getting back on. My endurance is junk. My finger strength is terrible. My toes are worthless. But my arms are stronger. My technique is still there. And I'm ready!
4. Triangle Rock Club is way better than I thought. The few times that I had gone before it felt too crowded and was a bit intimidating. Turns out I was wrong. I was just being a wuss. The people there are super friendly, quick to offer a spot or a belay, willing to offer advice on technique, and so encouraging.

I won't bore you with more reasons for now, but as you can tell I'm pretty pumped and I'm glad that I have a few months to hit it hard in the gym before it warms up and the outdoor climbing adventures begin.

Just one of the examples of what makes life wonderful.

calm after the storm.

I don't have to live my life in fear anymore. Even when it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me, I can rise up and face the day because I am stronger now. I am not but a helpless child anymore. I am an independent, strong, capable woman with loving and supportive friends. For that I am grateful.

affirmation.

My goal for February is to work as hard for myself as I do for others and to do that I must first believe in myself.

It's hard to give a damn when you don't think you're worth a damn. Payroll is tight at work. The hours just aren't there, but that doesn't stop the bills from coming. I have these wonderful dreams that I can make enough money with my art to make ends meet. But lately my days have been filled with so much doubt. That doubt takes me by the hand, sits me down on the couch, turns on the tv and asks me to stay awhile. It pulls out the sweats and a bag of chips and says Enjoy!

If I don't believe that I'm worth more than that why should anyone else? Why should anyone hire me? Why should anyone respect me if all I do when I get home from work is behave bitterly? My friends come over and together we talk about doing great things. But we're not doing any of them. We're just sitting on the couch, speculating. Dreaming of what our integrity could do... if we let it.

It's time for balance. To balance relaxation with productivity. To balance dreams with reality. To balance the energy that I invest in others with the energy I invest in myself. It's time to let my integrity have a fair chance. It's time for me to work as hard for myself as I do for others. It's time for joy to balance out the years of anger and frustration- which means letting go and making room.

I need to believe that I can do this. That I am worth doing this for. The power of a compliment goes a long way- and I am tired of waiting for them! It's time to start giving them out, beginning with myself.

Because I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am a hardworker.
I do have integrity.
I am creative.
I am loving, generous and kind.
I am better at living than this.
I am capable of doing big things.

And I think that you are powerful. I think that you are more beautiful than you will ever realize. I think that you deserve more out of life. I think that you are capable of getting it. And I think that you should go out there and get it.

om shanti shanti shanti

I love change... when it's on my terms. Meaning, I love the prospect of new, when the old has worn out its welcome. Some of the larger transitions that come to mind are leases and jobs. After about a year I've had it with my roommates (and they've probably more than had it with me) and somehow signing a new lease fills me with this happy-go-lucky, everything is going to be better with this person because of XY&Z so let's run off into the sunset together.... and same with jobs... the work gets redundant and the pay becomes insufficient, and so of course the next job is going to better!

Enough about that. The point is change scares me. Terrifies me. Freaks me out. Makes me go a little nuts. Hello control freak! I start having lots of panic attacks. I feel sorry for myself which makes me feel bad about myself. Then I become unmotivated... it's just ugly. So this go round, I have decided to recognize the cycle and change it! Change the way that I handle change! Let me just tell you, it's as much fun as it sounds! (Especially when it includes several nights of excessive drinking and foolish drunk dancing! -thank God for patient friends!)

I was reading Yoga Journal when I came upon an article (December 2009 p. 44 - I couldn't find it on their website) about meditation.
The mantra is:

"Om, shanti, shanti, shanti"

Shanti meaning peace. It is repeated three times, once for self, once for
those around you, and again for the world. This is my first time ever using a
mantra, so I can't say whether or not I am doing it the "right" way... but when
the thought comes to me, it brings me peace. (duh)

My favorite time to chant this is in the morning. Why? Because I hate mornings. All that stuff about a fresh start, yea, it freaks me out. The lingering images of the nightmares that haunt my sleep cause me to wake feeling uneasy, immediately followed by that Oh Shit I'm Late For Work! feeling... and I have how many errands, chores, to-do list, things to get done today... and I don't even have kids! How the hell do people with kids do this?! On my days off it's that Face The American Dream feeling... that nagging voice that is constantly screaming YOU BETTER MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF! I can't take it. Mornings make me sick. I even try to trick myself... if I get up without snoozing then I give myself permission to go buy a latte before work (and I might even have time)but then I just feel guilty about wanting to spend 5 bucks on something I don't need.

So being able to hide in bed and chant shanti over and over again has this weird way of fighting off the bad dreams, kicking the AmericanDream in the balls, making errands seem easy and work feel like something to be grateful for. And there's nothing selfish about it because I'm spreading the wealth with all those around me! Which is great! Knowing that I have secretly wished everyone around me a peaceful day... makes them much less intimidating. Because other people's stress... it's intimidating. And I work with a lot of people that carry around a lot of stress and for some reason we all have started to walk around thinking that it's normal and acceptable to live like that. Om shanti shanti shanti!

January: Balance Amidst Turbulence

My cousin sent me a collection of Power Thought Cards which are freakin' awesome. As soon as I opened the box I was blown away at the power of the words that one tiny little card could hold. And I immediately recognized that adapting these thoughts into my life would yield trans formative results. Which is precisely what I have been craving. So I decided to clip them, one at a time, to my mirror, so that each day it will serve as a reminder. A reminder to meditate. A reminder that change comes one step at a time and this is the step that I am going to take first and until I've learned how to integrate those words into my life, I will not overwhelm myself with other thoughts.

The first one that I picked reads:

"I am not limited by past thinking. I choose my thoughts with care. I constantly have new insights and new ways of looking at the world. I am willing to change and grow."

These are big thoughts for me. Because I am limited by past thinking. I don't choose my thoughts with care. And I have been reluctant in accepting change.

But, I do embrace growth, and I constantly have new insights.

However, one without the other cannot thrive. So, I must change the way that I think about things. And then I will break the cycle.

I thought that I had begun to implement this into my life- I was spending more time working on my art, I was making more of an effort to reach out to loved ones...

So I picked the next card:

"I rejoice in what I have, and I know that fresh new experiences are always
ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful."

This, now this is even bigger. Had I only known what live had in store, I wouldn't have selected this card. I would have let it rest in the box a bit longer because two weeks ago a rather shocking and unexpected turn of events occurred at work that turned my world upside down. Life wasn't wonderful and the only greeting that I wanted to give it was a knuckle sandwich and a kick that sent it flying face first into a pile of mud. Not wonderful. Not wonderful at all.

Since that day, I have woken up every morning feeling anxious, scared, unsure of myself and worried about the future. My energy was being pulled from me like water going down the drain and even though I was trying desperately to stop it, I was only causing myself to feel more exhausted. Where had my integrity gone? I picked these words and believed them to be true- but only when things were going my way. It's one thing to say that you believe something, but I was being called to act on it.

I know that there is hope in this situation, and in the end everyone will be better off because of it. I know that change is good for those of us that are involved, and that we were all dragging our feet. Accepting the decision felt like a blow against my believes. I struggled to accept that there was no way that I could fight back. I had no idea what to do next, how to pick up the pieces, what to do, where to go, how to go about living, and the fact that from the outside my life hadn't really changed at all only made it that much harder. Watching the news, seeing the people in Haiti, their lives had changed, who am I to complain? I should have known, should have expected it, should have been prepared. But sometimes we're not.

My life had changed. It changed very quickly and I didn't like it. And my actions screamed that. But I also didn't like acting that way. I didn't like knowing that when I walked into the room that I was going to have a negative impact on the people that I spoke to. That I was sharing stress, anxiety, fear, frustration and anger. That I had no joy and I did not want to see others acting joyfully.

Reading those simple words again and again forced me to recognize that I could live my life differently. I was the one robbing myself. I wouldn't have chosen for things to work out this way, but they have. All that I can do is decide how I respond to it. I can walk around behaving the way that I always have and get the same results that I have always gotten. Or I can greet the new with open arms. Because greeting the new doesn't mean accepting the decisions made by others that I disagree with, it means reaching out in a new direction, looking for new opportunities, looking toward the future, and allowing myself to move away from these broken events. What happened yesterday is part of the past. What happened wasn't wonderful, but without it the wonderful could not happen. To say that I trust life to be wonderful means that I must believe that life is wonderful, and to believe that life is wonderful means I must act like it.

January's Lesson: Finding balance in a world that is ever changing means learning how to accept change.

Word of the year: Balance

It took me a while to decide. There are so many delicious, terrifying, powerful words out there, how do you pick just one? I spent a lot of time dwelling on "joy" in 2009, but I am by no means an expert on joy now. In fact I feel like it could be the word of the year for the next 3 years in a row and I still wouldn't exhaust its depth. However, as much I want to broaden my understanding of joy, and seek peace, and embrace forgiveness, and live dangerously, what it all comes down to for me, at this stage in my life, is a desire for balance. I want to balance my work with my exploration and my art. I want to balance my social time with my private time. I want to balance the images of perfection and sets of expectations that I hold in my heart and mind with reality. I want to balance my checkbook. I want to balance my wardrobe, and the decorations of my house, and the time I spend watching television vs. the amount of time I spend reading and writing. I want to seek harmony and not be overwhelmed by my to-do lists. I know that balance is not a finishline that you reach once and then you're golden, it's a daily composition of thoughts, believes and actions. And with each turn that life takes, I will be faced with different challenges and put into different currents. But I do believe in peace and I do believe in balance and so I will spend this year seeking those things and bringing them into my life in a more abundant, intentional way.

Some days time just flies right on by,
other days seem as though they will never end.
Some days remind us of how courageous we need to be.
Some days take a little more courage than others.
Some days show us just how courageous we are.
Some days are filled with a bit of sunshine and laughter.
Some days are filled with pleasure, and some filled with pain.
Some days require a little more forgiveness.
Some days require a little more patience.

Here's to holding tight the days filled with hope
and being quick to release those that take our hope.