farewell 2010

So another year comes to a close.
I'm working today, which is quite a disruption to my normal reflection routine... but I couldn't dare let the year escape without some type of summary.

It's been a BIG year. The beginning of the year brought a strong dose of hardship, first with my boyfriend getting fired from the same company that I work for (for an event in which I had been present), followed by the death of my beloved grandmother (she was really all had for family).

Fortunately, that's not where the story ends. I completed my first full marathon this year. My greeting card company is off to a hopeful start. I've sold them at several locations, and I'm getting ready to launch a website and host an etsy shop - look for that spring of 2011! The biggest surprise of all is my upcoming trip to the Philippines! I've spent my whole life dreaming of travel, and the day is here! I leave January 23 for a month of traveling! More to come!!

Happy New Year to all!

potato.

I was reading the awesome book that I picked up while I was at Edward McKay called "All is Forgiven, Move On" by Janice Taylor. It's a self-help book about how to change your relationship with food, and since I'm too cheap and too picky to go to a therapist, this is a perfect book for me! It's quirky and witty - lord only knows I don't have the patience for anything cheeseball or sappy, no Dr. Phil here!

One of the exercises addresses the emotional baggage we carry around by converting the invisible emotions into a literal object, a bag of potatoes. In my case, it's anger. There are a lot of people in my past that have hurt me, and left me and anger was what kept me safe. But there comes a point where that anger is no longer necessary, and it gets misdirected. I grabbed a stack of index cards and for everyone that I harbor some negative feelings for, or would dodge if I saw them at a grocery store, I wrote their name on a card. Next thing I knew that stack of cards was sitting about an inch of the table. Not good. That's a lot of ghosts to be running from-
No wonder I'm tired! Emotionally and spiritually that's a lot of weight, and from my experience backpacking, carrying around weight is demanding (duh!) It means that you burn more calories, so you need to eat more food, which means you need to take more breaks, and use up a greater number of resources. So by carrying this invisible emotional weight, it is more difficult for me to find emotional peace or balance. I am constantly stopping to adjust. I am needy. I need a lot of emotional support, which drains others. And if I was carrying on saving the world, they'd recognize the stress that I was under, and be more apt to contribute resources, but, the burden that I'm carrying has expired! It's outdated. It's from the past, it's run it's course. My family and friends have asked me to put this load down. They've stood by and helped me unload. Yet, I keep going back and picking it up anyway. Stupid! So of course they don't want to help me! Of course I'm always running on low fuel!

I think it's time to mash some potatoes and get this show on the road.

something september

i don't really know what happened.
it came in like a black hole
and swallowed all my desire.
i quit running,
i stopped sleeping,
i turned into an unhappy sort of sloth.

but now it is october and i am giving myself the power to just forget about september.

tuesdays thoughts: more of this, less of that

Living less in want, and more in action is a wonderful way to be. My focus is finally shifting from all the stuff I want, the iphone, drinks out at the bar, etc. and towards what I can do more of, running, writing, drawing, etc. These lusts became my first priority. I dreamt about how much better life would be if only I had an iphone- it's apps would make doing everything so much easier! Yoga at the touch of a button! An easy way to count calories! A digital library at my finger tips any time of the day or night- think how literate I'd become! Instant blogability every time I had a witty thought, wouldn't the world just love me then! Oh, the possibilities were endless! Oh, but only if I had that phone! And without it- everything was just less. No happiness for me! Just another month that had come and gone with little to no "expendable income."

Time to stop obsessing over want I can't have and grab a hold of what I do have.

run for your life.

whew! Does it ever get easier?! I feel like more often than not, the first ten minutes of every run is like going to the dentist- you know you need to- but good lord it's still awful. I completed, somewhat reluctantly, an hour run this afternoon... it was the guilt that pushed me... all the cocktails, the milkshake and french fries... too many calories that need to be exhausted. But about 40 minutes in, while climbing a rather long and steady hill, I managed to lock my eyes straight ahead, the voices in my head shut off, and my body took over. I've been running for my whole life, haphazardly for the last ten years, my body knows how to run. My legs know how to pump up a hill, they know when to shuffle with small steps, they know when to take long strides and dodge holes. They know how to communicate with my lungs, which are working hard, pulling in oxygen, pumping it through my body. They know how to communicate with arms, to pull myself forward. My body knows how to run, I just need to learn how to let it. Then I think running for an hour will become easier.

tuesdays thoughts

after a weekend at the beach i feel both refreshed, and a bit of course.

life has a way of moving, with or without you, it seems.

deadlines. bills. chores. laundry. birthdays. work. holidays.

it's hard to maintain control.

I quit, because I am worth it. I am enough.

I quit.

Often we refrain from using those words. Quitting has been given a negative connotation, either it means you're giving up, or you're trying to give something up (like smoking). But sometimes we need to quit just to quit.

I quit. Not I am going to quit one day... or I am going to do my best to quit...

I can't fix what's broken by continuing to use the same tools.

Everyday is a revolution. A chance to do better. To be more grateful, appreciative, generous, loving, kind. To work harder, to focus better, procrastinate less, live more. Without a to-do list we'd be bored. So I quit trying to do what I've always done. I am going to move forward with using new strategies, new methods and a fresh approach.

dear summer

dear summer,
you are going by far too quickly. i can't believe i missed the equinox and already the days are getting shorter as we head back towards winter (albeit there are still plenty of humid days ahead). my life is on track and my plate is full. i am plenty busy getting my ideas together to begin blogging for goodnight, raleigh as well as revolver. and now i am volunteering for sparkcon bazaar spark. i couldn't be more excited to finally be getting involved with the people i have been silently envying for so long. i have no idea where this road will take me. but it feels good to be on it. i feel that i have also found bikram hot yoga to be the missing piece in this equation of self, the glue that reignites my passion and pushes away my anxiety and insecurity. there aren't enough hours in the day so i am going to do the best i can to use the ones i've got.

sincerely,
jenn

Views from the top

These are some of the photos I took from the Empire State Building during my trip to Manhattan. We got VIP access to the top, a journey that I wouldn't have otherwise taken. Evidently there are 3.5 million people that visit each year. They line you up, pass you through security, take your photo in front of a green screen and then pass you up to the 80th floor. Once you make it to the 80th floor, you wait. The entire floor is dedicated to keeping you inline... one more elevator ride and you arrive at the observation area. It's certainly a bit congested, and quite a bit windier than down on the street level, the views are phenomenal, a bit surreal actually.

20 in 2010 update 2

solo goals
3. Learn more about the practice of yoga.
I went! I did it! I tried it! I loved it!!! I attended my first ever Bikram/hot body yoga class at open door studio and it rocked!
4. Post my artwork on Etsy.
I deviated slightly here... I set up a table at Traffic Jam instead... I might stick with that for a little while longer until I get some of the kinks worked out.
5. Begin training for a tri.
I've deviated here too... I am running. I'm not sure if I want to do the half marathon in >2 hours or run the full... we'll see!

group goals
2. Paint the living room, bathroom and office.
I spent all day cleaning them... we finally bought paint for the office... and we're still working on cleaning out the front room.
5. Plant a garden in my backyard.
The garden is in full bloom. Now I just need to spend more time weeding it.
6. Participate in a collaborative art project.
Sparkcon volunteer meeting monday.
group drawing the monday after.
Registered and ready to become a goodnight, Raleigh writer

things are coming along :)

enjoy the journey

it's hard sometimes. when life gets so chaotic, our to-do lists flow with such length, our goals tower over us, and the expectations we place upon ourselves are so heavy that we can't even make it to bat.

but day in, day out, that's what we have. the call may never come. and even when it does, we can't really know what it's going to bring.

friends shouldn't be taken for granted. health shouldn't be an assumption. decisions shouldn't be made lightly.

i have been so anxious the last few days that work has frustrated me, the phone calls from my friends have let me down, and when i go on my daily runs, i am merely running from myself. that's not how i want to live. that's not the person i intend to be.

be true. be you. and don't forget about the journey.