today.

today, today I am:
taking a deep breath, even though I don't want to.
writing, even though I feel like I have nothing to say.
pushing myself to exercise, even though my mind feels so weak.
trusting, because there is nothing I can do otherwise.

work felt off today, something about the full moon.

next week, my hours are just as scimpy as they were this week, which means that the *bonus* we're getting is really just filling in the gaps. (which is disappointing as I have been daydreaming about a few wishlist items... and now I'm just feeling guilty because I should just be grateful to have a job.)

and then there's the fact that my grandma is in the hospital and no one really knows anything about it yet. a fractured tailbone and a mass, a mysterious unidentified mass.
and so, I am here. and she is there. I know I want to go, but I also know, from experience, that stepping into the middle of my family during an event such as this just sends my soul into such a whirlwind of emotion that it takes me weeks to recover from.

my grandma and I are very close and it just seems wrong to let her go through this without being there. to think of her there... lying... in pain, trapped in a bed, confined to the skin she is in- the least I can do is get on a plane and go sit next to her and hold her hand. I can sit with my family while they cry. while they worry. while they drink. and then they cry. and it would be worth it.

and of course beaming in for 48 hours is going to tear me apart. but I suppose feeling wrecked is better than having no feelings at all.