om shanti shanti shanti

I love change... when it's on my terms. Meaning, I love the prospect of new, when the old has worn out its welcome. Some of the larger transitions that come to mind are leases and jobs. After about a year I've had it with my roommates (and they've probably more than had it with me) and somehow signing a new lease fills me with this happy-go-lucky, everything is going to be better with this person because of XY&Z so let's run off into the sunset together.... and same with jobs... the work gets redundant and the pay becomes insufficient, and so of course the next job is going to better!

Enough about that. The point is change scares me. Terrifies me. Freaks me out. Makes me go a little nuts. Hello control freak! I start having lots of panic attacks. I feel sorry for myself which makes me feel bad about myself. Then I become unmotivated... it's just ugly. So this go round, I have decided to recognize the cycle and change it! Change the way that I handle change! Let me just tell you, it's as much fun as it sounds! (Especially when it includes several nights of excessive drinking and foolish drunk dancing! -thank God for patient friends!)

I was reading Yoga Journal when I came upon an article (December 2009 p. 44 - I couldn't find it on their website) about meditation.
The mantra is:

"Om, shanti, shanti, shanti"

Shanti meaning peace. It is repeated three times, once for self, once for
those around you, and again for the world. This is my first time ever using a
mantra, so I can't say whether or not I am doing it the "right" way... but when
the thought comes to me, it brings me peace. (duh)

My favorite time to chant this is in the morning. Why? Because I hate mornings. All that stuff about a fresh start, yea, it freaks me out. The lingering images of the nightmares that haunt my sleep cause me to wake feeling uneasy, immediately followed by that Oh Shit I'm Late For Work! feeling... and I have how many errands, chores, to-do list, things to get done today... and I don't even have kids! How the hell do people with kids do this?! On my days off it's that Face The American Dream feeling... that nagging voice that is constantly screaming YOU BETTER MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF! I can't take it. Mornings make me sick. I even try to trick myself... if I get up without snoozing then I give myself permission to go buy a latte before work (and I might even have time)but then I just feel guilty about wanting to spend 5 bucks on something I don't need.

So being able to hide in bed and chant shanti over and over again has this weird way of fighting off the bad dreams, kicking the AmericanDream in the balls, making errands seem easy and work feel like something to be grateful for. And there's nothing selfish about it because I'm spreading the wealth with all those around me! Which is great! Knowing that I have secretly wished everyone around me a peaceful day... makes them much less intimidating. Because other people's stress... it's intimidating. And I work with a lot of people that carry around a lot of stress and for some reason we all have started to walk around thinking that it's normal and acceptable to live like that. Om shanti shanti shanti!